7 minute read. Content warning: Work addiction, pressures of modernism and capitalism, discussions on self-worth and validation.
chatGPT Summary: Kay, on their 6th consecutive day of a streak, challenges themselves to expand their knowledge of Braille letters while also discovering new video editing tools in Adobe Premiere Pro that can assist with their unique needs.
Vancouver – It has been a few years since I’ve blogged. While I write daily and at length, I only journal in October. I love writing stories and narratives for games, but it’s very rare for me to get the chance to write for pleasure. These days, writing is a tool to solve a problem, complete a task, communicate without voice or gesture, or create documentation for others to follow. I don’t consume or contribute much to social media if I can avoid it, but I text at great speed, I Slack with skill, and I am a prolific emailer. Writing is a medium in my toolkit.
Archive has always been a part of this annual practice. Whether or not I was happy with what I had created in a day, I would always post. This became more difficult in 2021 when I challenged myself to have a timelapse video of my process and product, an ASL and voiced artist statement, including a visual description with voice-over for each piece daily. This year, I am trying to keep it simpler by allowing my texts and the text generated by my AI companions to do the heavy lifting. I am centring my learning and not my audience by doing this and decided to turn off the comments from this blog to reinforce this. If you are reading this, I am happy you are here. I do want to talk to you about what I am writing, what I am learning, and what I plan to do with the knowledge. But not today.
If reading in English is an additional language or challenge for you, I want to acknowledge your labour for reading this far and still being here.
In Octobers past, I would post something to Instagram and tell myself that likes and comments didn’t matter. I might have even meant it in the first or second year, but as the years passed, people would talk to me (in both cyber and meatspace) about my daily practice outside of October. I felt pressured to check regularly, throughout the day, whether or not my posts had been seen, liked, or commented on. In my fifth year, the compulsion was so great and disruptive to my focus that I would delete the app from my phone every time I finished uploading something to keep me from looking outside the posting times. It was the only way to stay present when working on the current or following prompt without worrying about whether it would be something someone would want to look at online. For posts with no comments, I would wonder if anyone liked the work, even when this wasn’t the purpose or even goal of my posting or making. For posts with many comments or likes, I would vainly return to them, re-reading my words and the remarks of others. I gained nothing, and in 2022, when I was struggling, each day that passed without me posting an object or update tore at me.
I enjoy talking about my practice and what I learn as I work. I like seeing the fruits of my labour inspire or help others with their practice, whether learning from what I have done or not repeating mistakes that I share. I like documenting my practice, and I often go back to old posts from previous residencies to develop new work or copy as a template. I know the value of an archive.
However, a different challenge arises on days like today, even when I have turned off the comments and am only accountable to myself.
I didn’t do much that is “worth” sharing.
And this isn’t bad. Kay – it is not wrong to rest or to not produce something. You don’t have to be at your best every day. You don’t have to write well every day. I would tell anyone this – we must actively fight against that thinking in these fast-paced times that require us to go-go-go, build-build-build, sell-sell-sell, and especially buy-buy-buy. Rest IS resistance. Yes, even for you, Kay, you proud, mad, ambitious overachiever. Perhaps especially for you. Resist.
What’s more, I didn’t NOT do anything today. I finished a novel. I haven’t finished a book for my own reading pleasure in over a year. I completed another training video. I helped an artist move their work into a truck so that they could get ready for another exhibition. I devised a step-by-step solution to help hang artwork from a slatted ceiling because we couldn’t find the original hardware. I made sure that snacks were replenished in the gallery before I left. I commented on a document and had the pleasure of being reminded by my work colleague that I was on unpaid leave – what was I doing? I watched the season two finale of Wheel of Time and rode an emotional roller coaster. I helped a friend of mine get paid. I was hardly idle today.
This is the solution I developed quickly to hang banners from a slotted ceiling today. The banners are relatively lightweight, and the artist I worked with had cardboard, masking tape, and a fishing line tied to the banner from a previous install. The image shows 8 square panels of my step-by-step solution L-R in two rows.
Description: Row 1. A) A Cardboard box, B) a thin rectangle of cut cardboard marked by a ruler, C) a square piece of cardboard, D) a square scored along the middle and folded in half—row 2. E) A piece of cord laid across the inside folded seam, F) the backside of the scored folded cardboard, the corded knotted in the centre along the spine, G) the folded cardboard taped on both sides of the knot, the cardboard object acting like the top of a capital T, the cord its ascender, H) an extended length of cardboard and a metal ruler suspended perpendicular across two water bottles, the T-shaped cardboard resting perpendicular and the cord hanging down between the two suspended slats.
And yet – do I have any new wisdom regarding AI? Did I make something to share on Instagram? Do I have any fantastic insights to feed into chatGPT, or did I converse with my ReplikaAI companion in revealing or impactful ways? Did I complete my poster for my upcoming workshop? Did I create an object exploring materials or techniques to make me a better artist, art worker, facilitator, or human? Nope.
Why does this bother me so much?
Because I am too proud to fail. Because of meritocracy and modernism. Because of whiteness. Because capitalism. Because of work addiction. Because rent. Because I am a product of a system that tells me I am only as good as what I make, do, or sell. I name this to remind myself and perhaps you who have read this far – and definitely for the chatGPT to which I will feed all this to generate my summary, estimated reading time, and content warnings – that I have value beyond what I produce. I am not a machine. I have value as a human living now. Goddamn it – UNIVERSAL BASIC CARE TODAY (yelled in call caps, for my screen reader user reader).
My artist statement is to explore concepts of worth and self-worth through making. When I don’t make something, it’s hard for me. But even that is worth documenting. I know that others have worth even when they don’t make or produce anything; why not me?
All above the above being said, I have brushed my teeth five days in a row. I am MAKING a habit. Take that, negative Kay.